Early sobriety was a whirlwind of up and downs. My life was mostly better, immediately, without the problem of the bottle hanging over my head every morning. A lack of hangovers and less drunken family brawls settled things down for a bit- yes- things seemed to get better. But as my pink cloud stopped following me around every day and “real life” busted more and more into my serenity- I was forced into action. Action in my case, turned me from those “twelve suggestions” I read off the wall and into the 12 steps as a program of action. I began to work the steps with a sponsor and in my daily life. It was a tough road getting to, and completing my 4th step- I had been staying sober on only the first step and hitting a lot of meetings. I knew I couldn’t drink, I couldn’t manage my life and meetings made me feel better. Sober? Maybe, but not exactly “happy, joyous and free.” However I hadn’t truly lost the obsession and I was still living (I found out later) in the bedevilments BB p52.
For a time I was stuck in a place of painful ambivalence. Problems arose and I didn’t drink, couldn’t, so I went to a meeting. But even after a meeting I would bounce back and forth between two ideas, two painful ideas. “I quit drinking for this @#%^#, painful existence?” and then “I could have all these problems and be drunk!” Neither was happy, joyous and free. So I finally started to do more than call my sponsor- I began to do as he did, and worked my steps.
Resentment is the number one offender- and that was my blockage- I had been blind and unwilling to see my resentments. In the beginning my resentments were what my family, the world and life had forced upon me. My resentments were what you had done to me, I believed I was the victim, and not responsible for my problems and consequently my life. I had lived a life as a victim, powerless over people, places and things. Funny I never saw how I blamed others for the way I was treated when I was the one lashing out at the world. In my life I was powerless, powerless to change everyone around me to suit me. Never realizing that I was giving them the power over me, relinquishing my serenity to those who seemingly did me harm. I had no reliance on a real power greater than myself; I was really living on “self-propulsion.” It was in my 4th and 5th step with my sponsor I began to see glimpses of this fact.
After years of living on self-will and alcohol I could barely see myself and my part in my resentments. What a patient person we find in any sponsor willing to walk us thru the steps. Hours face to face, he patiently (mostly,) heard my explanations, justifications, excuses while “trying” to admit my faults. Gradually I could start to really see on few resentments how, yes, I had played a role in it. How my selfish, self-centered, fearful living and actions had put me in a place to be hurt. That was the breakthrough for me, I saw that in owning my part of the resentment I could be set free of it. It was at that tipping point that I truly wanted to be free of my resentments and resolutely looked for my own mistakes. Finding and admitting my part in this is what will set me free of my resentments and begin to remove the things that have been blocking me off from a power that will keep me sober.
I put to paper my resentments and then find where I have been selfish, self-centered and acting out of fear. My sponsor helped me see how my daily life had lacked purpose and any kind of fulfillment, and why. As an alcoholic, with and without alcohol, I had been in constant fear of not getting what I want or fear of losing something I already had. When I’m holding onto my sobriety with white knuckles and when I’m grasping, hanging on to everything around me with a dying desperation- all the world around me sees are my clenched fists. Then I wonder why no one treats me right. So I put my resentments to paper- they are less likely to wiggle around on paper like they do in my head. When I see them on paper and I add my part I can see how I can change me, just me, to make my life better.
I’ve been taught to happily greet resentments and those who deliver them as wonderful teachers. Teachers sent to remind me I have more work to do to clear and open the channel to my higher power. I have yet to happily greet resentments in my life, but I have grown enough to pray at them. “When a person offended we said to ourselves, ‘This is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him? God save me from being angry. Thy will be done.’” Then promptly put it to paper and share it with another alcoholic. Remarkably, resentments have helped lead me to a freedom and today I live with purpose, happiness, hope and serenity.
Steve R.