Maybe you’re like me, walking into the first few AA meetings, you may have had real problem with God and religion. Thankfully I heard the stronger message of Step 2 in those first meetings. Based on ideas of “our understanding” I hear so many different names and concepts for God. I’ve been told our Higher Power might be the AA Group, the Sponsor, a Doorknob, the Dog, the ocean or nature. As well as so many of the different religious names for a power greater than ourselves. While these might be better than your higher power being the girlfriend/the boyfriend, the new car or the seeking the perfect job it is only a beginning. My concept of God, as meager as it was, kept me sober through the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. Over the years my experience with a higher power has evolved into a real God working in my life. And as controversial as it may be for some I’m not even sure God is a He or a She for that matter, I am much too small to use my earthly intellect to define the God I want in my life. If my God is to be limited by my own ideas (or others ideas) of what God should be I’m probably going to fall much short of a real connection to All Power. I temper this with a similar thought that, if I have such a limited understanding of God, I can only love hearing and be at peace sharing your connection to higher power that is working for you. Namaste.
This was very different from the day I walked into AA- the idea of God and Spirituality even the simple prayers at a meeting indeed made me “bristle with antagonism.” But the laughter smiles and warmth of the first few meetings made it clear to me whatever these folks were doing was working and something I would have.
My earliest memory of the God my upbringing gave me was God is good and loving and takes care of you. As time went on, of course what I saw of the world and its people was more and more different than a world created and run by a God who was going to take proper care of me. This might even have become some of the thinking that later became my “alcoholic thinking.” Thoughts like “I should not be left out of friendships.” “I shouldn’t be picked last.” “I shouldn’t be punished, I shouldn’t be bored, I shouldn’t have to do this, I don’t want to do that.” Later very obviously this way of looking at the world became, “I shouldn’t have to follow rules and you should do what I want to make me happy.” Along the way I became the actor/director/producer of confusion exactly as I found on pages 60-62. In the 12 Steps my discovery there is that I had disagreed with what I had been taught of God and rebelled. Trying to make life- and the people in it- suit me and my needs, because God was never going to do it. I had lived my life in fear and anger at not getting what I want and lashing out at the people in my life when I didn’t get what I want. Resulting being left lonely pointing the finger, blaming the people that I had pushed away with expectations and resentments. That was my life before and after alcohol- alcohol had been my solution to that life.
It was a few men at a halfway house meeting that kindled the fire in me to find God; that spirit of a higher power in me. Within each and every one of us “is the fundamental idea of God.” p.55 These men spoke of “the daily challenges of living.” Our fellowship addressed more than just the “drink issue” but really how to function in our life on life’s terms. They spoke very often of turning to prayer. Many of them spoke of nightly prayer and daily prayer. They had something I wanted with sobriety- the strength to face daily challenges and the discipline to pray. They were strong men praying at their problems instead of lashing out at the world or self-destructing- both of which were the way I had continued to cope with daily living even after alcohol. These were sober and strong guys who prayed while I was falling apart- weak and didn’t pray.
After a particularly hard time in my sobriety I heard a message loud and clear “try it.” It was clear to me leaving the meeting that if these hardcore, tattooed, recovered prison guys could admit to getting on their knees and praying to God for help to meet their daily life- I could at least try. So I did that very night.
Somewhere in the back of my mind I remember hearing (I’ve heard it many great and different ways since.) “Try our God thing for a week- pray as we do, go to God as we do- and see what your results are.” Those who seek God find God, Those who find God seek God.
Of course the results were amazing, life changing and I have rarely looked back. My life is better according to the amount I am willing to pray and turn to God with my life. This over the years has become so very different than my early prayers and only giving God just my problems or the missing “wants” in my life. Today I can give God my entire life and let God have my strengths and weaknesses, the results are no longer mine. These days I can say that I have a working relationship with a power greater than myself that keeps me sober. I have been given this from the fellowship of AA and doing the 12 Steps from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous.
I realized the day a woman shared with us she is getting up early to “share her first with God.” It pointed out to me how changed my life is today in the physical realm and the spiritual realm. Because to am getting better and better about going to god with my entire life and giving him my first. It really comes down to this for me- after seeing the miracles and power of God in my life over the years- do I want to live the day I would pick for me or do I want the day God would have me live?
I connecting with a higher power.
Looking back I can quickly sum it up with “Alcohol was my temporary solution to permanent problems and now God is my permanent solution to temporary problems.”
Steve B.